So here is a story about my past,because with everything that is going on i want everyone to know about my story .So in order to protect my privacy i have decided to change the names of my bullies....
so here is my story...
When i was younger i was always teased i never did anything to these kids i was the kind of girl who did her own thing and when on about my business. when my mom and my ex step dad moved up to a little town called Bedias Texas. I was in the second grade at the time, little ole me scared didn't know anybody. I started gaining peoples attention, actually indicating that i was actually there.
I started getting picked on everyday,to me it felt like they thought that they had to tease me, like it was a disease for them if they didn't. I remember i would come home everyday crying to my mom of what these boys & girls were saying and doing to me. I knew what they were doing was wrong. you can not tell me these children were to young to understand that what they were doing was wrong . I sure you i know that it was, my mom always told me " Ashley treat someone with the same respect as you would want someone to treat you and if you don't i'll give you a reminder when you get home", needless to say i did exactly like my mother told me too. i was nice to the bully's i tried to say hi and wave to them , & still got bullied. There was this girl i knew and my bullies would pick on her because of how small she was, i don't remember her name but she came to our school and was put into my class, this sweet girl was picked on everyday i felt so bad for her, she didn't do anything to be made fun of. We instantly became friends, but she didn't get to stay at our school for long but i am so glad that i got to know her for as long as i did...
There was also this boy i knew , and OH MY he was just horrible to me like literally almost all the time the most of the bullying came from him . My mom would keep coming to the school to tell them this was nonsense and was unnecessary and wasn't called for but nothing ever helped, not even when my mom had to bring a cop to the school and tell him that if he didn't stop he was going to have to take him to jail and put him in handcuffs! The reason i know this is because my mom had told me. She said that the boy just started crying and begging the cop not to arrest him and that he promised he would leave me alone. Now the question is did it work? ...Yeah... BUT ONLY ABOUT A WEEK... I didn't tell my mom i was just tired of dealing with it... So i kept my mouth shut, didn't stick up for myself and let the names be thrown at my face as if i was some clown getting pie shoved in her face. the bully's mom excuse was that his father wasn't in his life,so that gives your son the right to bully someone? I don't think that's how it works,and it shouldn't be used as an excuse.
Around junior high things were getting pretty bad,and not just at school,but my house,my safe place.
Unfortunately i was taking my anger and frustration out on my family they weren't my enemy they didn't do anything to provoke me,But the fact is that i was hurting, i wanted my family to hurt! I wanted them to endure the emotional issues i was going thru. While i was doing this i had no clue my mom was crying herself to sleep at night trying to figure out a way why i was acting so cruelly.Then my mom thought of therapy, so i went.. It helped to a standard point but the fact was the therapist couldn't make the teenagers be nice to me, they couldn't be my superhero. So i eventually talked my mom into not letting me go back to therapy by acting out even more. So then she thought of going a doctor that helps children and adults who need help . So i went and i was prescribed Ritalin it helped a lot then my doctor made my dosage bigger, and i guess i couldn't handle it because i started getting angry. I was taken off it, but i'm not sure to be honest. Things didn't get better when a guy who was suppose to be my friend literally slapped me in face in the lunch line, no one said anything, no one asked ME if I WAS OKAY!!! I just don't understand why people allow there children to grow up like this? I know if it were my children i would be ashamed and mortified!! I would do anything to get my child help for being a bully.
WHEN HIGH SCHOOL CAME AROUND IT WAS HORRIBLE!!! The bullying and name calling and being cornered by a bunch of girls demanding to know if i was pregnant?.. um hello they where doing this because i'm a thick girl ..... I eventually got out of that situation by telling them no , no , no no i'm not , they finally got the message and left me be.
Things were still going and sometimes i got a break, only when the bully's didn't show up to school.
Another reason why i hate my old high school well that day was the day were i literally gave up!!!
So here it goes I'll tell you my story.....
For Christmas my aunt had gotten me this really cute pink shirt, and i had this long,(* well not that long skirt*) that was black that my mom had bought for me and some cute sandals. I had done my hair, did my make up and curled my hair trying to look different for once.. I felt a lot different, i felt like wow maybe now i can be a new *Ashley* than i was before! When i got to school i went straight to breakfast,talked to my friends. I got a lot of compliments that i looked really pretty. Even my bf ,( "now my ex"), told me i was gorgeous. I was feeling great, and started to feel like today was going to be a good day.. After my first three class periods, i went to child development class sat down listen to what the witch.. t mean the "(teacher") told us what our assignments were and that the student teacher who was observing us was going to watch us and write down some notes .Well in that class i always sat with my friend john doe .. . Well my wanna be friend "decided" that instead of him just doing his assignments, he decided that drawing a picture would be much so funner."(I didn't even know that it was going to be about me!)" So here he is drawing something, i have no clue what of . He starts to pop off with that i looking nothing but a little "Missy piggy" in my pink shirt. Granted that hurt a lot, but i eventually kept saying "(whatever your an idiot)" and he just kept on and kept on. Now before i finish up with him, there was two other people involved in this as well. Let me tell you about the second character jane doe, she started agreeing with john doe .Then next thing i know john doe is getting up from the chair asking he teacher for tape.So he gets the tape, and tapes this picture of a (PIG) on the front of the door in the inside of the classroom he changed that picture like four times. On the picture it said("please help this pig is 20X and is eating everything in the school we must make her stop eating", )..... He even drew a pink shirt on the pig and a black skirt. The sad part was the teacher and student teacher went to the door saw the picture and just started laughing.You would figure the teacher and maybe the student teacher would say something! Guess what they were bullies too!! I was even threatened by the teacher!!! All because i didn't know we were suppose to staple 2 worksheets together!, So i asked and jane doe came up and asked the teacher ("can i slap her for being stupid"?) and the teacher goes (" no,but i will!")... All i could do was sit there and think, because my teacher obviously can't communicate with her classroom and never told the class what to do after we finished our work, And i am the one who gets threatened to be slapped? Not only by a fellow student but by my TEACHER for asking a question? Anyways john doe took down the pictures and put them in the trash. When the bell finally rang i grabbed the paper out of the trash, went to the bathroom, pulled out my cell. And as i'm trying to open my phone, i am shaking trying to call my mom! I told her everything that happened. I didn't go to lunch. I went straight to the counselors office and waited for my mom to call the principal and talk to him . I remember they called me back there and it seemed like they just didn't care and they told me they gave john doe a swat and made him apologize to me! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME.! Was that seriously the way the school had decided they were going to stop the bullying?
well a few days later the depression just got to me. I then had made the decision that the only way this was going to stop is if i ended my life! So the plan was was set and i didn't want my mom to have to cry anymore.My brothers wouldn't have to fight my battles, and i didn't have to lay in my bed every night crying because i didn't understand what i had done that i had to be bullied every single day... So one day i was writing notes to my friends during our classes and during one of my classes, i was writing my suicide note.It was the note that would be left to my mom to find. I .needed her to know that i was sorry. This wasn't anyone's fault that this had to happen. It was obviously mine.. Well the bell rang and i was waiting for my friends, so we could exchange our notes and then go about our business. Somewhere in between our exchange of notes, i somehow managed to give my friend my suicide note. In the note it also explained why i choose to have to one more night with my family! ... During this entire time i had told myself why wasn't god answering my prayers? So i figured that since there is over 80 billion people in this world that there just wasn't enough time for me.. So in that time i challenged god ..... I challenged god to show me he cared about me. That i was important, that i mattered...The next morning he proved it ...my friend ,my beautiful most caring friend, obviously took the note that i accidentally gave to her. She didn't want to take the chance that my note was just me crying for attention!! ...She gave the note to her mom and her mother came to the school before anyone got there. So she could show them, and that they could stop me before i really did do what i was planning... I remember that morning like it was yesterday!!...I got up took a shower put on my regular clothes, put on my dark hoodie on.I put my shoes on and grabbed my back pack and went out and waited on the bus...On the way to the school, it was the small things that i was admiring ...the mist in the road ,the flowers that where blooming ..The sun was peeking thru the clouds ...all i could think about was this is what i will miss. Of course i will miss my family and my closest friends, but i knew in a few short hours it wouldn't matter anymore, i know longer would be hurt anymore ..The world was going to be just 1% better because i would no longer be here to be a burden to anyone... So after breakfast we all went to 1st period and i wasn't in there more than 5 minutes before i here my counselor asking my teacher to let me come to her office...On my way there as i'm walking to go to the office...All i could think about are they going to make me talk about what Happened a few days earlier, and put the blame on me like it was my fault.... It struck me this was the last time i was going to walk these halls because to me it didn't matter, i wasn't going to be on this earth much longer anyways why would i care?...So i get to the office and before i could knock, the door opens and in the room is my principal both counselors. They ask me to sit down and the principal starts talking about how life is such a great treasure! And as a child he wish he got to enjoy the small things in life. It just kinda passed him by. Then my counselor starts talking about how much she likes being a counselor because she likes to help people, especially kids my age and everything. I'm sitting here thinking is this seriously why i got called up here?? Then they just come out and say well Ms Johnson, The reason why we called you up here is because a friend of yours mom came up to our school and brought us your suicide note and she wanted to make sure that you weren't serious? All i could say was YES MA'AM! I am serious about it, i'm done!!! The ONE thing that broke me down is the counselor then tells me your mother is on speaker phone!! We asked her to be silent because she wanted to know for sure you where and right then and there i started crying!! It's like i had got hit by a semi or something . I didn't want my mom to hear how bad i was hurting! I just wanted to end it!!! I told them i couldn't do it anymore!! I was tired of putting on this invisible mask with a fake smile knowing that i was NOT OK!!...Then my mom tells them well since she tired to pull this, i feel like i need to pull her out of school for a while so we can tackle this situation so she doesn't actually succeed into what she was secretly planning.
So the counselor and my principal agreed...As i am waiting to go home, expecting that it was going to be my mom picking me up.. I saw my oldest brothers truck and i'm like o crap! I'm really bout to get cussed out...But honestly that didn't happen! I was waiting for him to just get mad at me and start yelling but he never did. When i looked over at him, i saw tears in his eyes and the first thing he said to me is* why would you do this? Why didn't you come to me instead of planning to kill yourself ?? All i could say is,you have your own life to live and i didn't want to bother you?
As we pull up and get out of the truck. My brother just grabs me, tears trying not to come out from the corner of his eyes, and he had his arms stretched out and we hugged.Then looked at me and said please never try to pull this again!!! I'm your big brother!,I will always be here for you!, If you need to talk even, if i get mad, just know its because i love you!!! .... I said OK!, i promise!, I will never pull this again!! ...As soon as i get in the house, My mom face was red with big puffy eyes you could tell by looking at her ,,,She wasn't mad and wasn't upset, But it looked like i had just broke my own mothers heart because i didn't go to her when i should've! I dropped my back pack and i immediately walked to my mom and hugged her. We both just cried ....Then we talked and talked and i told her everything i was feeling and why i thought i had to do it. I couldn't take it anymore...So that night when it was bedtime. My family made me sleep in the living room and even when i protested that i wasn't going to do anything. It was the fact that i scared them so bad... They were probably terrified that i would've done it anyway... A few days later i got phone calls from most of my family and turns out i really was loved and i told each one i was so sorry that i scared them and that i would never do this again. That if i had an issue i would go to someone and talk to them about what i was feeling...I then went and talked to my youth minister and i had told him the reason i tried to do what i planned to do was because i thought God didn't care about me that there where more important things going on in the world that needed to be answered than mine! Then i explained that i decided to challenge the Lord because if he loved me like the bible says i need him to show me that he does ...My youth pastor then told me i was wrong ..God did show me ....although we may not see God that doesn't mean he isn't there. Although we cant hear our Fathers words we know in our hearts what he is saying..Although we don't always see Gods love for us we see it by things that makes us happy...God showed me he cared for me by my friends mom coming to the school to stop me.God showed me he heard my prayers when i saw my brothers and my moms face from crying and they didn't understand at that moment why i planned it. All i can say is now i will never challenge my Heavenly Father ... I asked the Lord to forgive me for challenging him to prove to me he loved me and in my heart i knew he was there touching my shoulder and smiling....So i was out of school for a year and i had decided that i wanted to go back to school and no before anyone ask!, The bullying never did stop, like why not? But i had a brand new attitude the old Ashley was gone!!! this is the new Ashley and i ended up making my bullies mad at me because i know longer cried, i know longer cared what words they threw at me...There where bad days and i mostly had good days but it didn't matter ...so then my father had called my mother and they made a deal he was moving out and he didn't want to sell the house he was living at and he didn't want to to get rid of the furniture. So him and my mom made a deal, that we could move there.
So after my dad moved out we just packed all our things and moved to Splendora ,Texas and this move was more to help me because i needed a new life. Somewhere know one knew me...I started school in 2008 at Cleveland high and since that day i never got bullied.. I might have gotten into an argument or two but never once got bullied. My mom and family saw i was much happier. I graduated in 2010 ...It did suck because i didn't get to graduate with my friends that i had known since elementary, but i did it ... I had a few heart breaks, one possible miscarriage (still don't know about what it was), A few more heart breaks, got a new best friend forever named Sandra and her children are like my babies .... As i am sitting here writing all of this, i can finally say i am so glad my friend and her mother stopped me that next day ... That to never take life granted.. We aren't promised tomorrow, and to love every moment of it, and one day after i have my children, i will tell them how much my life was growing up. The people who i got to meet..The things i got to see and the things i got to do ...I can say there is so much in this world and i know i have purpose. That we all do in our Heavenly Fathers plan for every single one...I will even tell them the day someone called me little miss piggy and how after everything was said and done. I am still here with a grin on my face of how my bullies almost got me down...
in this note this really did happen...I am now 27 yrs of age ..NO i don't have children yet, but i will be attending college next yr for cosmetology. Then i'm hoping to go back for another year to get an actual diploma ....
thanks for reading my story and i hope this might help someone else in pain...Remember don't keep this bottled up..SPEAK TO ANYONE THAT YOU THINK WILL HEAR YOU OUT.!!! Call the suicide hotline if you have too...I can tell you first hand, keeping it bottled up will only tear you down..Your not alone...
:)
sincerely yours
Ashley..
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